Alright 90’s babies.
This is for you.
Because we ALL remember how significant Mighty Morphin Power Rangers was to our childhood, right?
For me, it was my whole world! I never missed an episode. I remember the first time it aired, my siblings and I sat completely enraptured by the cheese that was playing on our television screens. And then when those magical thirty minutes came to a close, we would rush out to the front yard and immediately beat the shit out of each other.
Because we were POWER RANGERS.
And then, in 1995, THIS HAPPENED.
Obviously my parents had to drag my brother, my sister, and I to the theaters to see this. We would scream blue murder until they bought us tickets for a matinee showing.
Clearly, there is a lot of nostalgia for Power Rangers. It was among the greatest highlights of our childhoods, 90’s babies!
Hollywood knows how profitable that nostalgia can be! 90’s babies, we can’t get decent paying jobs to cover our student loans, but we can surely find $12 to go see a movie that exploits our childhood, right?
That’s what Hollywood thinks!
And that’s why Hollywood offered us this
Just by watching the trailer I knew this was going to be bad, but The Male REALLY wanted to see it so see it we did.
Words are going to fail me at this point, but I’m gonna try.
Because words. They cannot capture just how bad this movie is.
Truly, this movie was the worst movie I have ever seen. And I actually sat through Manos: The Hands of Fate.
Imagine, if you will, something beautiful. Something wonderful. Something that stirs feelings of childlike innocence and joy deep inside of you. Now imagine someone taking a knife to it. Imagine someone disemboweling it and then slinging the viscera at you while you scream “OKAY THAT’S ENOUGH YOU MADE YOUR POINT.”
THAT my friends, is Power Rangers (2017).
First of all, you got these strangers who can’t act to save their lives
Like I HATE that Kimberly. Kimberly would NEVER send nudes to every kid in the school because in this universe, Kimmy is BAD and in DETENTION because she sent NUDES all over the school. No, Kimberly would be sending nudes to Tommy! COME ON.
Add to that a Canal Street knock off Rita Repulsa who was more of a slore than a cornball villainess we all grew to love and…and like…this Godzilla sized Goldar made of molten Velveeta (WHAT) and you have a steaming heap of shit that you actually paid money to sit through.
Poorly acted, poorly developed characters, poorly written story…fuck, even Bryan Cranston couldn’t save the movie and I LOVE Bryan Cranston.
How can you not love Bryan Cranston. WELL HE FUCKED UP BEING ZORDON GOOD JOB.
(I guess that sweet Breaking Bad money dried up I don’t know.)
At one point, when the crappy new Jason screeches “It’s MORPHIN TIME” and they break into “go go Power Rangers” as the new goon squad hops into their monster trucks that are SUPPOSED to be Zords I started to laugh. I started to cry. I got up out of my seat to get a beer.
“Hi, I need a beer because I’m watching Power Rangers and I need one to get through this movie,” I said to the bartender at our theater. We have a cool theater. It has a bar.
“That is the first honest review I have heard since the movie premiered,” he said as he filled me up 22 ounces of goodness.
At this point I missed a cameo featuring Amy Jo Johnson (my girlhood crush, I wanted to be the Pink Ranger so badly that I wanted to be her girlfriend) and Jason David Frank (TOMMY TOO my fucking OTP!) and frankly, I don’t care. I’m sure it’s on YouTube. I’m sure that’s the only reason anyone would want to sit through that visual abortion that is Power Rangers (2017).
I don’t even know where I’m going with this post, you guys. I’m just pounding out my rage as quickly as I can.
After the shit show ended, The Male told me I was overreacting, and that it wasn’t THAT bad, before finally conceding that it was truly that bad and we went home to turn on Netflix and watch the original Mighty Morphin Power Rangers.
And it stirred feelings of childlike innocence and joy deep inside of me.
Hollywood can’t capture the schmaltz that is Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. It was so bad it was good. It was corny. It was silly. It was campy but these were all good things. Perhaps if the movie tried a little harder to be campier, I wouldn’t have hated it so much. But it took itself too seriously, it tried to paint itself as too deep, and that’s where you lost me, Hollywood.
Is it that hard to comprehend?
I guess so.
So Power Rangers (2017). Con: the entire fucking movie. Pro: I got my parking validated.
(Oh P.S. I have a Patreon now, because I like to try to expose my writing and freelance and if you’re entertained by the garbage I produce please don’t hesitate to become a patron. I promise, this gets better before it gets worse.)