Movies

Dreams

Alright 90’s babies.

 

This is for you.

 

Because we ALL remember how significant Mighty Morphin Power Rangers was to our childhood, right?

 

For me, it was my whole world! I never missed an episode. I remember the first time it aired, my siblings and I sat completely enraptured by the cheese that was playing on our television screens. And then when those magical thirty minutes came to a close, we would rush out to the front yard and immediately beat the shit out of each other.

 

Because we were POWER RANGERS.

 

And then, in 1995, THIS HAPPENED.

 

powerrangers_1435101713

 

Obviously my parents had to drag my brother, my sister, and I to the theaters to see this. We would scream blue murder until they bought us tickets for a matinee showing.

 

Clearly, there is a lot of nostalgia for Power Rangers. It was among the greatest highlights of our childhoods, 90’s babies!

 

And Hollywood?

 

Hollywood knows how profitable that nostalgia can be! 90’s babies, we can’t get decent paying jobs to cover our student loans, but we can surely find $12 to go see a movie that exploits our childhood, right?

 

That’s what Hollywood thinks!

 

And that’s why Hollywood offered us this

 

powerrangersabortion

 

Just by watching the trailer I knew this was going to be bad, but The Male REALLY wanted to see it so see it we did.

 

Okay.

 

Words are going to fail me at this point, but I’m gonna try.

 

Because words. They cannot capture just how bad this movie is.

 

Truly, this movie was the worst movie I have ever seen. And I actually sat through Manos: The Hands of Fate.

 

Imagine, if you will, something beautiful. Something wonderful. Something that stirs feelings of childlike innocence and joy deep inside of you. Now imagine someone taking a knife to it. Imagine someone disemboweling it and then slinging the viscera at you while you scream “OKAY THAT’S ENOUGH YOU MADE YOUR POINT.”

 

THAT my friends, is Power Rangers (2017).

 

First of all, you got these strangers who can’t act to save their lives

 

Power-Rangers-Movie-Cast-Helmets

 

Like I HATE that Kimberly. Kimberly would NEVER send nudes to every kid in the school because in this universe, Kimmy is BAD and in DETENTION because she sent NUDES all over the school. No, Kimberly would be sending nudes to Tommy! COME ON.

 

Add to that a Canal Street knock off Rita Repulsa who was more of a slore than a cornball villainess we all grew to love and…and like…this Godzilla sized Goldar made of molten Velveeta (WHAT) and you have a steaming heap of shit that you actually paid money to sit through.

 

Poorly acted, poorly developed characters, poorly written story…fuck, even Bryan Cranston couldn’t save the movie and I LOVE Bryan Cranston.

 

bryancranston

 

How can you not love Bryan Cranston. WELL HE FUCKED UP BEING ZORDON GOOD JOB.

 

(I guess that sweet Breaking Bad money dried up I don’t know.)

 

At one point, when the crappy new Jason screeches “It’s MORPHIN TIME” and they break into “go go Power Rangers” as the new goon squad hops into their monster trucks that are SUPPOSED to be Zords I started to laugh. I started to cry. I got up out of my seat to get a beer.

 

“Hi, I need a beer because I’m watching Power Rangers and I need one to get through this movie,” I said to the bartender at our theater. We have a cool theater. It has a bar.

 

“That is the first honest review I have heard since the movie premiered,” he said as he filled me up 22 ounces of goodness.

 

At this point I missed a cameo featuring Amy Jo Johnson (my girlhood crush, I wanted to be the Pink Ranger so badly that I wanted to be her girlfriend) and Jason David Frank (TOMMY TOO my fucking OTP!) and frankly, I don’t care. I’m sure it’s on YouTube. I’m sure that’s the only reason anyone would want to sit through that visual abortion that is Power Rangers (2017).

 

I don’t even know where I’m going with this post, you guys. I’m just pounding out my rage as quickly as I can.

 

After the shit show ended, The Male told me I was overreacting, and that it wasn’t THAT bad, before finally conceding that it was truly that bad and we went home to turn on Netflix and watch the original Mighty Morphin Power Rangers.

 

And it stirred feelings of childlike innocence and joy deep inside of me.

 

Hollywood can’t capture the schmaltz that is Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. It was so bad it was good. It was corny. It was silly. It was campy but these were all good things. Perhaps if the movie tried a little harder to be campier, I wouldn’t have hated it so much. But it took itself too seriously, it tried to paint itself as too deep, and that’s where you lost me, Hollywood.

 

Is it that hard to comprehend?

 

I guess so.

 

So Power Rangers (2017). Con: the entire fucking movie. Pro: I got my parking validated.

 

The end.

 

(Oh P.S. I have a Patreon now, because I like to try to expose my writing and freelance and if you’re entertained by the garbage I produce please don’t hesitate to become a patron. I promise, this gets better before it gets worse.)

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9 thoughts on “Dreams

  1. OH MY GOD! Your review is the best.

    And this makes me sad! The GOOD thing about the original Power Rangers was the fact that it was damn campy and FUN! Not at all taking itself seriously.

    So is this worse than all those Bad BAD movies we watched to make fun of?? I can’t think of one off the top of my head HAH!

    Looks like I’ll be saving some money and NOT seeing this train wreck of a movie!

    Like

    1. You literally can’t even hate watch this movie, it’s THAT bad. The Lifetime Britney Spears movie is Oscar winning material compared to this.

      It made me want to watch the 1995 Power Rangers movie but that shit isn’t on Netflix so I lost. Least I can still see the original show. And I have been. For days.

      Like

      1. THAT IS SO SAD! Hate watching is the best thing and if you can’t even do THAT with this movie… man.

        I am now going to have to do a rewatch of the original series. Damn.

        Like

  2. This review is legit gold, lmao. I had zero interest in watching the 2017 movie and this review sealed that deal. Instead, I’ll just reminisce about the beautiful memories from our childhood past. On a side note, have you watched the Mystery Science Theater version of Manos? It was pretty great.

    Like

    1. I love the MST3k Manos more! It makes the 45 minute car ride so much more bearable! But thankfully I’ve been binge watching old school MMPR on Netflix and it’s just as great as I remembered it. Even better now that The Male and I throw snark at it.

      Sorry for the late response! Life has been a pain.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. This is an awesome review. I was never a fan, although I did sit through quite a few episodes, hating myself the entire time but never changing the channel. A friend of mine, who was also not a fan, went to see this and said he enjoyed it, but expected it to be bad, so I’m guessing for what it was, he liked it. I won’t see it, but I’m thankful for reviews like this lol.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. My only recommendation is make sure you have lots of beer if you do plan to see it but if you were never a big fan, then it shouldn’t be too bad! I bet if I wasn’t wearing my nostalgia blinders I would have liked it. Maybe.

      Thanks for the comment! Sorry for the late reply, life has been happening.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Life sucks. Yeah, I get that. I know when I experience stuff I loved as a kid and it sucks now I’m usually super pissed. Thanks for the heads up. I’ll have beer regardless lol.

        Like

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