Vegan

Breakfast in America

I decided to go vegan in November 2015.

 

Before you scream at me for that (because like being childfree, being vegan incites TONS OF RAGE in most people and I don’t know why, the less meat I eat the more meat they can have), know that I didn’t do it to save the wallabies or whatever.

 

I did it because frankly, I’m fat.

 

“You’re not fat!” you’re going to chime out.

 

“BITCH LOOK AT THIS,” I will scream as I jiggle my love handles.

 

Don’t tell me I’m not fat.

 

Anyway.

 

In November 2015 I decided to go vegan. Combined with my (minimal) exercise routine, I was able to shed some excess weight, drop my blood pressure and my bad cholesterol, and feel better overall.

 

I felt like a little plant receiving a sprinkle of rain from the benevolent gods. I felt ALIVE.

 

And then I done gone fuck it all up by eating the entire Taco Bell menu twice.

 

(Not even the hidden vegan menu either.)

 

Of course my weight crept back up. Don’t even ask me about my blood pressure and bad cholesterol, because 1) I don’t know and 2) I’m not a 67 year old man. So I made the decision to once more try veganism.

 

For real this time.

 

Preface: this is a diet for me. Not a lifestyle. If you make me exchange my cosmetics and if you make me toss out my Balenciaga City, we will have WORDS.

 

See, going vegan isn’t hard. Not in 2017. My featured image up there? The blurry one of me stuffing a donut in my maw? Vegan donut, baby! And behold:

 

vegan3

 

Yeah, that’s CHIPOTLE.

 

(By the way, the closest Chipotle to me is in Albuquerque and that is unacceptable. UNACCEPTABLE.)

 

I mean, I suppose vegan could be this

 

vegan2

 

and don’t get me wrong, that’s delicious too but I prefer sloppy burritos and sugary donuts to a bed of tender greens, drizzled in a light balsamic vinaigrette, and punctuated with notes of citrus.

 

SLOPPY BURRITOS JUST SOUNDS BETTER.

 

(And guess what, I still lose weight so winner winner Boca Chik’n dinner.)

 

What I’m trying to say is that this shouldn’t be some impossible task for me in 2017. I’m gonna do it again. I felt great the first time I did this, and I’ll feel great again.

 

Because my diet is pretty shitty. It mostly consists of dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets. And you are what you eat, so by eating sad mushy dinosaurs I become a sad mushy dinosaur.

 

And I’m tired of being a sad mushy dinosaur!

 

I hope you don’t mind if along the way I write posts with my recipes (like my bomb taco recipe that makes bitches line up) and I write posts with my recommendations on vegan chow like cream cheese (a staple for me) and stuff. I tried the good and the bad so you don’t have to.

 

Because let’s be crystal: sometimes, vegan food tastes like the devil’s asshole.

 

Good thing I already know what is the devil’s asshole and what is food nirvana.

 

But don’t worry. I won’t become some green hippie that exhales sparkles. That’s not me. And I won’t post conspiracy theories about the chemicals in your food that will 100% lead to massive brain tumors because pseudo-science isn’t my thing.

 

But I will lose all this weight.

 

And earn a sweet thigh gap.

 

(That last part is a joke.)

 

(OR IS IT?)

 

(…it’s a joke. Lighten up.)

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3 thoughts on “Breakfast in America

    1. Sorry I liked your comment 16 times in a row, my touchpad is squirrely. But thank you! My first foray into veganism was incredible, I felt better emotionally and physically. I would rather have more energy and live happier by eating clean than eat junk and feel bad. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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